My mother-in-law (MIL) suffers from dementia (normal degeneration). She started to experience forgetfulness, especially when it comes to monetary matters. One time, she made a fuss about her money disappearing, and accused the helpers/caregivers of stealing it. The whole family had to help her look for it, searching everywhere in the house for it. Turns out she hid it in a medicated box herself. When the family noticed that such acts of forgetfulness kept occurring, they decided to bring her for a medical check-up. After undergoing CT scan, it was diagnosed that she had dementia.

Mother-in-law stopped her usual activities

I remember my mother-in-law used to be very active, doing qigong with her exercise friends every morning and eating a rather healthy breakfast consisting of a toast and 2 eggs. However, when she was diagnosed with dementia, she started to crave for foods like the Macdonald Fish Burger. She also stopped going for qigong with her friends, and stopped going out in fear of falling down as she became physically weak.

There was once when my MIL insisted on sitting down on a bay chair, which was rather fragile and can break easily. We tried to stop her but she complained that we were bullying her. In the end, she didn’t have the strength to stand up after sitting down on the chair and I had to get the help of my two caregivers to get her up.

Burnout as a primary caregiver

Having to take care of my MIL 24/7, accompanying her for all her medical appointments, being in touch with doctors and social workers to enquire about her condition and get funding for the necessary nursing equipment that she needs, I began to feel burnt out t as I was the main caregiver for my mother-in-law. During my review with the doctor, I was actually diagnosed with caregiver burnout where I actually broke down and cried when asked a series of questions. It was then the doctor recommended me to place my mother-in-law in a nursing home.

I needed a space to vent out my frustrations and relieve stress. I decided to go for night exercises around my neighbourhood park, where I got some alone time to destress. The close communication between the doctors and social workers also was a great help as they were there to help throughout every obstacle faced in my caregiving journey. For instance, the social workers Tan Tock Seng hospital actually recommend me the available nursing homes to send my mum to. The staff at AIC also advised us on the subsidies available for nursing homes.

There were times when I wondered if my decision to send my mother-in-law to the nursing home was correct and was contemplating to take her back home. However, the doctors advise me not to as her condition has deteriorated to the advance stages and it was more suitable to have her at the nursing home where there are plenty of professionals who can better take care of her.

My advice to other caregivers

During the time I cared for my MIL, I learned a few things that I would like to share:

• Information is readily available so speak to the hospital, nursing home and social worker
• Don’t give up, once you give up, you’ll start to have negative thoughts and mindset, “why am I doing this?”
• Try to have someone that you can talk honestly with, so you can talk about your issues, vent out your frustrations.
• Must have one person in the family as spokesperson. This spokesperson must have the choice to get family members to chip in and help out when the caregiver experiences burnout
• Have a channel to vent your frustrations so that you don’t end up losing your patience with the care-recipient.
• Don’t be affected by what other people are saying behind you. If you know what you are doing is right, then go ahead and do it
• Speak with organizations such as AIC as they have a lot of subsidies for all these nursing equipment and items